


a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather

by AlexxWrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, season 15 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexxWrites/pseuds/AlexxWrites
Summary: When Dean and Cas find themselves trapped in the bunker with an angry Death just outside the door, Castiel is forced to make a very tough decision that Dean won't like, and the both of them will have to race against the clock to come to terms with their own feelings as well as the angel's mortality.There's not enough time in the world.(My take on the Destiel confession in the newest episode)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, DeanCas, Destiel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather

**Author's Note:**

> (The title is from the song A Drop In the Ocean by Ron Pope) 
> 
> !Spoilers for Supernatural season 15, episode 18!
> 
> This is the last part of the episode rewrote from both Dean and Castiel's perspective, with mostly canon dialogue but some changes.

Dean groaned with effort as he and Cas made their way down the hall, hastily searching for any shelter they could find. The searing, steadily increasing pain in his chest serving as every bit of a reminder he needed to keep moving. Cas practically hauled him into the dungeon room, quickly leaving Dean to support himself against a shelf as he worked on a sigil of his own blood on the door. Anything to keep Death at bay long enough for them to think of something.

“Did it work?”

Dean nods, still breathless and weak from Billie’s hold on him, and Castiel is grateful for at least that. The sharp knock at the door startles the two men. They look at one another, searching for an answer that they will not find.

“She said that wound is killing her, Dean. Maybe we can wait her out?”

Another knock, or more accurately _bang_ rattles the door on his hinges, the sigil beginning to waver. Dean shakes his head.

In the dim, orange tinted lighting of the room, Cas notices every wrinkle on his face. He looks tired, not only in the literal sense but mentally, and the former agent of the Lord realizes that Dean hasn’t been himself for a very long time. He wishes things could be the way they used to be, back when he had first rebelled. Back when he first chose Dean Winchester over every angel in Heaven. But looking now at how his human had aged, how scarred both physically and psychologically he had become, Castiel knew that was a time long since past. Meeting the Winchesters, even just being in Heaven all seemed longer ago than the early days of the Earth to the Angel of Thursday.

But if his time with the Winchesters had taught him anything, it was that getting caught up in the way things used to be doesn’t help anything. And it sure as shit doesn’t make you feel any better.

“And if we can’t?” Dean asks, turning around and walking into the dungeon itself.

“Then we fight.” Cas says, and of course everything in him is telling him that it’s useless, but he can’t help but try and spark something within Dean. It's a last ditch effort, and there’s nothing left to spark.

“We’ll lose.” he says, coming to a stop in the middle of the room and facing the angel. His voice begins to crack as the weight of the situation settles in the pit of his stomach. “I just led us into another trap. All because I couldn’t hurt Chuck. Because I was _angry_ and because I just needed something to _kill_.”

“ _Because that’s all I know how to do_.”

Castiel yearns to protect Dean, to wrap him in his wings and make it all better. But he can’t. He knows he can’t. He doesn’t even have wings anymore, and there’s nothing at all to be done.

Dean grips onto the back of that chair like it’s the only thing keeping him from falling apart. “We never should’ve left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now.”

Cas vaguely nods in agreement.

“Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it.”

“I know.”

“She’s gonna get through that door, and she’s gonna kill you. And then she’s gonna kill me.”

Dean stares at the floor, too ashamed to even look his friend in the eye. He knows Castiel is going to die because of him, and he knows he’s gonna go soon after. _At least Sam has Jack_ , he thinks. It doesn’t do much to calm his nerves. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Cas stares at the man he’s come to love so dearly. He stares at his perfect face and his perfect body because he knows it won't be long before he has to say goodbye for good. In that moment Castiel knows he would do anything to keep Dean Winchester safe, and then comes an epiphany.

“Well, there is one thing…”

Dean looks up in confusion.

“There’s one thing she’s afraid of. One thing strong enough to stop her.”

“What is it?” Dean asks, more hopeful than he has been for some time.

Cas takes a moment to prepare himself for the inevitable. He steps closer to Dean and admires every detail of his face. Every freckle, every perfect imperfection, the little specks of golden brown in his candy green eyes. Castiel did always love his eyes, though he never said it.

“When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him.” he says plainly.

Dean’s heart stops, and that way too familiar feeling of dread washes over him like a tidal wave. The same dread he felt on the car ride to Lilith, back before he went to Hell. The same dread he felt before Sam sacrificed himself to put Lucifer back in the cage. It was a feeling he had felt many times over the years, and he never wanted to feel it again.

“The price was my life.” Cas continues. Dean wishes more than anything he would just stop and then it would all be a bad dream, but he doesn’t and it’s not. It’s all painfully, dreadfully _real_. “When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and take me forever.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Dean asks, and it takes everything in him not to collapse on the spot. But he does everything in his power to keep it together, otherwise he’ll regret it later.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse- I wondered what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like.” Dean watches helplessly as Cas’ big blue eyes fill to the brim with tears as he struggles to find the right words to say. Maybe in some perfect world, one where Dean knew how to make things better rather than worse, he’d grip onto his angel and hold him. Just like he had done for Dean when he gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. But this world wasn’t perfect, and Dean didn’t know how to help anyone or anything and he hated himself for it.

“I never found an answer! Because the one thing I want- it’s something I _know_ I can’t have.” Cas explained, his voice quivering. “But I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having, It’s in just being! It’s in just saying it!”

“Cas- what are you talking about, man?” Dean faltered, silently praying that this wasn’t about to happen. That he wouldn’t have to lose Cas again, because he knew if he did there would be basically no chance of getting him back and that was too much to bear. He still had so many regrets that he didn’t get to atone for, and he just needed more time to show Cas how much he appreciates him.

Cas laughed. It was a pained, agonizing sound but there was still a hint of joy in it. Dean didn’t understand how he could be happy at a time like this, but Cas knew it was because of him. It was because Castiel had begun to remember everything that had happened since he met Dean, and he was so glad to have known him it almost hurt. “I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken. And you think hate and anger- that’s what drives you. _That's who you are_.”

“It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good _and_ the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, _you fought for this whole world for love_! That is who you are. You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, _loving_ human being I will ever know.”

Cas gazed, wide eyed and teary at Dean like he was the most precious thing on earth. Because he was. He was Castiel’s _world_ , his very purpose for living, and he just hoped that he was finally expressing that to him after all these years.

“You know, ever since we met, and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared! I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack- I cared about the whole world because of you! _You changed me, Dean_.”

Dean whimpered, broken and pitiful. “ _Why does this sound like a goodbye_?”

“ _Because it is_.”

Nothing can prepare you for the loss of the person you love most. It could happen any day at any time. If you’re lucky, the both of you will get to grow old. If you’re really lucky, you’ll go before they do, so you don’t have to see it happen. As selfish as it may be, Dean had always been glad Castiel was immortal, or at least more immortal than him. Because that way he wouldn’t have to worry about being the first or last to go. He had always been grateful for the fact that Cas would be there to watch over either him or Sam, depending on who died first. The last thing he wanted was for him to die first and leave Sammy alone, or be the last one standing with nobody around to talk to.

Dean had watched Cas die before, the latest being when he got stabbed in the back by Lucifer after they trapped him in apocalypse world. That feeling of emptiness, of pure despair is something he had never forgotten. He never wanted to go through that again and yet here they both were. The world had been unfair to the Winchesters since the day their mom died the first time. Scratch that, _Chuck_ had been unfair to them. It was _death_ , after _death_ , after _death_. _Apocalypse_ , after _apocalypse_ , after _apocalypse_ , never once stopping. Like no matter what they did, it always found a way to get worse. Lately had been the worst of all though, because this time it was really the end. And that was exactly the problem, it was all too _final_. Standing there, Dean knew it was goodbye.

He sobbed. “Cas, _please_! Please don’t do this- _I can’t lose you again_!”

Another crash as Billie pounded on the door. The warding was about to give.

“ _Dean_.”

Cas reached out and took both of his hands into his. Dean looked into those big, ocean blue eyes and wanted nothing more than to wipe those tears away and take his angel somewhere safe, but he was helpless.

“ _I love you_.”

Dean’s breath hitched in his throat. He shook his head frantically no, because he knew Cas was about to be taken away from him before he could properly love him back.

“ _I love you too, Cas_. _I have for a long time_. _I need you. I-_ “

Cas smiled. He smiled wider than he had for a long time as he ran his hands through Dean’s hair and softly closed the distance between them. Dean cried into the kiss, grasping onto Cas’ trench coat so hard his knuckles turned white.

Cas was the first to pull away. The banging at the door continued, one, two, three in quick succession. They both knew it was about to give.

“ _You don’t need me, Dean_. _I need you_. It’s always been me needing you more than anything. Sam and Jack need you, now. The world needs you.”

A deep rumbling alerted Dean from behind Cas. He watched in horror as the Empty ripped open a hole in the wall and came oozing out of it.

“ _Goodbye, Dean._ ”

Billie banged on the door one last time, sending it flying off its hinges. They were out of time.

Before Dean even had the time to react, the Empty came crashing out of the wall, devouring Billie in its wake and immediately circling back for Cas. The last thing he saw was Dean.

“Cas-“

It took a minute to sink in. To accept the fact that his blue eyed angel was gone.

Dean sank down against the nearest wall and cried until he couldn’t breathe. He loved Cas. He loved him so much he would gladly have thrown the whole world away if it meant he got to keep that scruffy haired boy in his life. But he was gone now, and there was nothing he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in awhile, but that scene definitely gave me enough motivation to write this pretty quick. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I kind of wish they'd handled it differently, but overall I think it was beautiful dialogue wise. 
> 
> As always, feel free to leave any feedback you have in the comments. Thank you for reading!


End file.
